September 14, 2019
This is a short journal ramble I wrote in February 2019.
If I asked you to describe yourself in one word, you would:
- avoid the question and tell me how other people describe you;
- say instead what you strive to be;
- ad-lib a cohesive story about a word that ties together your most recent narcissisms, even though deep down you know it’s not holistic;
- admit that it’s useless because it’s impossible!
Whichever way, I agree.
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November 4, 2017
Back when I was afraid of falling asleep by myself, shadows of trees would rock against my bedroom ceiling. I did not want to close my eyes, so I would concentrate on its drywall texture. It was a map of unexplored geography. In the shadows, I imagined the stencils of kingdoms until I was dizzy from concentrating on the ceiling. I would turn away from the dark shapes and try to sleep, but restless nausea met the fear of closing my eyes.
We lived in Federal Way, Washington, back when “federal” was not in my vocabulary. There was a two-bedroom townhouse for you, me, and Robert. Every night, you and Robert went to sleep in the master bedroom. I went alone to my dark, drywall sky. I was afraid to close my eyes. I would go to your room to escape shadowy kingdoms. I could finally fall asleep next to you.
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